Photo called ‘Black hole’ by Muskaan Aleeza Admani

Failure

The experience of struggling each morning, dealing with the anxiety of thinking you are a failure.

Too often I awake in the morning
And even before I can draw the curtains from the windows
I feel as though I have   f a i l e d.

And you question:

How can I feel like a failure when I have barely left my bed?
How can I feel like a failure when I am still drifting along my stream of words unsaid?
How can I feel like a failure before I have done a single thing worthy of being labelled fail?

Please know that too often this life is a war
Every day is a battle
And in every battle,   f i g h t i n g   looks a little different.
Sometimes, failure doesn’t require action –
It simply desires a thought that has misbehaved in the bustle of my mind and triggered a cascade of bullets –
Awakening every insecurity that prevails within my veins;
A reminder of how flawed I can be.
My mind – is of course – unimpressed
And so a failure I see.

I hate to reduce this rumination to a hypothetical construct in my mind
And fuel the stigma behind
It’s all in your head
Because it is so much more than that.
Perhaps the source stems from my head
But soon enough it perforates through my existence
Like a cancer so complex it is unworthy of an antidote
So people cold-shoulder
And move on to something more lucid
And so I have failed.

But I have come to realise that these thoughts so heavy
Don’t necessarily mean I am unsteady 
Because even the biggest fail
Beats the hell out of never trying.  

So perhaps
If I could somehow   t r y   to share
What it is like 
To live in my mind
When it is a black hole
Both inert and volatile 
I will shift one step closer
To breathing a little steadier.

Perhaps 
If I could somehow make you understand
Why I feel like a failure 
Before the sun has reached its apex
And I have yet to let the rest of the day unfold,
Your belief in me
Might loosen the chains imprisoning my mind
And someday set me   f r e e. 

Don’t fuel the stigma.  Fuel the understanding.

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